Relationships are undoubtedly one of the most vital aspects of our identity as human beings and, perhaps, the most valuable assets in our lives. Why is that the case? Consider this: from a legal standpoint, if you’ve been cohabiting with a partner for over two years, or if you share a child, you fall under the provisions of the Family Law Act 1975. This means you may share financial interests regardless of your individual contributions. Separation or divorce not only imposes a heavy emotional toll but can also lead to significant financial strain and, in some cases, contentious custody battles.
On a societal level, the rise of sexual freedom movements and the growing acceptance of gender fluidity have reshaped the dynamics of relationships. While these shifts celebrate diversity and personal autonomy, they have also introduced new challenges to relationship solidarity. The gap between desire, temptation, and action has narrowed to just a swipe on a mobile device. Casual hook-ups and discreet affairs are increasingly prevalent, posing genuine threats to couples striving to uphold societal norms, religious values, or personal moral principles. For many, navigating this terrain leaves them feeling uncertain and conflicted.
Any couple that has been together long enough will inevitably encounter challenges along the way. Over time, unresolved issues can accumulate, leading to feelings of distance, frustration, or even irreconcilable differences. At this stage, some couples choose to ignore the warning signs, hoping the problems will resolve on their own, while others recognize the need to take action to save their relationship.
It’s important to understand that no relationship is perfect, and there’s often no “next best thing” waiting beyond your current partner. Many couples who choose to seek counseling realize that the bond they have built is worth preserving. I often remind my clients: if your partner is your best friend, your confidant, and the person who stands by you when you need help or are unwell, then you already have a strong foundation. Instead of searching for something new, why not invest in maintaining and strengthening the relationship you’re in?
How to Encourage Your Partner to Attend Therapy
While both partners in a relationship may be committed to saving it, individuals can differ in their willingness to seek professional help. In heterosexual relationships, men often show greater resistance to relationship counseling. This reluctance is not surprising, as men tend to have more guarded, negative attitudes toward psychological therapy, while women generally hold more positive views about seeking help.
The first step in encouraging your partner to attend therapy is to acknowledge these differences and consider their upbringing, personal history, trauma, and level of self-awareness. Understanding these factors can help you approach the conversation in a thoughtful and supportive way.
When discussing therapy, avoid using blame, emotional threats, or ultimatums such as leaving the relationship. Such approaches can lead to defensiveness and limit the conversation to compliance or rebellion. Instead, focus on the potential benefits of therapy, such as improved communication and a deeper emotional connection. Frame the conversation as an opportunity for growth and mutual understanding.
Navigating Resistance
If your partner initially refuses to attend therapy, it’s important to respect their decision while seeking to understand their perspective. You might say:
“Would you be willing to share why you’re choosing not to do couples therapy? I think it could really help us, but I’d like to hear your thoughts.”
This approach invites open dialogue without applying pressure. Listen carefully to their concerns and address them honestly. If you believe their worries have been adequately addressed, you can gently follow up with:
“Now that we’ve talked about your concerns, would you consider giving couples therapy another try?”
If they continue to decline, allow the conversation to end gracefully. Reassure them by saying:
“I respect your decision and want you to know I love you. I hope you’ll think about it, and we can revisit the idea later.”
Often, your partner may reflect on the discussion over time. Giving them space to process without feeling pressured can make them more open to the idea of therapy in the future. Remember, we all live in our own time zone and have different processing speeds for evaluating situations and making decisions, so the key is to be patient and not wait until you are at your wit’s end to bring up therapy.
Choosing the Right Therapy Technique and Therapist for You
The second challenge in pursuing couples therapy is determining which therapy technique—or therapist—is the best fit.
There are at least six widely recognized techniques for relationship therapy. While therapists often specialize in one approach, many incorporate elements of multiple methods to tailor their work to the couple’s unique circumstances and goals. Below is a brief overview of these techniques to help you understand your options:
Reflective Listening
Research shows that poor communication is a major source of dissatisfaction in relationships. Yet, communication is not a skill typically taught in school or higher education. Reflective listening is a specialized therapy technique aimed at improving communication between partners.
In a safe, structured environment, each partner takes turns being an active listener, allowing the other to express their thoughts and feelings without interruption. This approach fosters understanding and reduces conflict.
One key aspect of reflective listening is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This shift makes communication less confrontational and more constructive.
For example: Instead of saying, “You hurt my feelings when you’re late,” try, “I feel hurt when you are late.”
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)
Our patterns of attachment—formed during childhood through relationships with parents and caregivers—play a significant role in shaping how we bond with adult partners. These attachment styles can also influence the likelihood of future relationship struggles if they remain unaddressed.
EFT helps couples identify and change destructive patterns in their relationship that hinder emotional attachment. By addressing rigid, autonomous responses and behaviors that create distance, EFT allows couples to rebuild connection and foster a healthier bond.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), EFT is effective for approximately 75% of couples who use it, making it one of the most evidence-based methods available.
Narrative Therapy
Relationships involve shared experiences, but individuals within the relationship often form their own narratives as a way of coping with challenges. Narrative therapy encourages both partners to describe their problems as a story and then collaboratively “rewrite” the narrative to reflect new perspectives.
This method is particularly helpful for couples who blame themselves for the relationship’s struggles or who feel they’re failing as individuals and, therefore, as partners. Narrative therapy allows couples to shift from blame to understanding and hope.
The Gottman Method
Developed by Dr. John Gottman, this method draws on decades of research, including observations of couples in controlled environments. The Gottman Method focuses on helping couples deepen their understanding of one another, even in conflict, while fostering intimacy and friendship. It provides specific tools and problem-solving skills to address recurring issues.
Traditionally delivered through workshops with take-home materials, many therapists now adapt Gottman techniques for one-on-one sessions, making this approach widely accessible.
Solution-Focused Therapy
Solution-focused therapy is ideal for couples who generally have a solid foundation but are facing specific challenges, such as opening their relationship or navigating the complexities of caregiving for an elderly parent.
This approach helps couples define a clear, short-term goal and work collaboratively to achieve it. Rather than dwelling on problems, solution-focused therapy empowers couples to address issues constructively.
Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
Our earliest experiences with caregivers significantly shape our adult romantic relationships. For instance, overcritical or authoritarian parents may create anxious adults who internalize struggles or become hypersensitive to criticism.
IRT helps couples uncover how childhood experiences influence their adult relationships. Through exploring past traumas and attachment patterns, IRT fosters greater empathy and understanding between partners, allowing them to build healthier and more compassionate connections.
By understanding these techniques, you can begin to determine which approach aligns best with your relationship goals. Remember, a skilled therapist may blend multiple methods to tailor therapy to your unique needs, ensuring the most effective outcomes.